Haruki's Diary

[hopeslens]

These are the entries written in a diary Haruki kept around for a good part of his lifetime. Scattered between the actual entries are notes that Haruki kept on bad things happening to him, almost in the form of a ledger, as if hoping to figure out how much good luck he "earned" for Komaeda.

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First Entry (10 years old)

[hopeslens]

My father was the Super High School Level Good Luck. When he was 17, they told him that his sicknesses would only give him half a year to a year to live. It's because of his luck that he's been able to live this long, that I was born... and that I could meet him.

But I'm scared. Papa's luck isn't magic. It does great things, but you have to pay a great price for that. What should I do? I don't ever want to lose papa, never ever. But I don't have his luck. I can't rely on it not to take him away from me either. But just doing nothing isn't something I can stand! If papa disappears, then I'll be too lonely. Everything will feel darker.

I have to do something. Anything. There must be something I can do, right?

Second Entry (12 years old)

[hopeslens]

I don't have papa's luck. I can't control it, either. But I think I can use it. Bad luck has to pay for good, but it doesn't matter who the bad luck happens to, right? So maybe if I do as many unlucky things as I can, papa's bad luck will attract to me. I don't care what happens, I don't care what bad things happen to me. I just want papa to stay with me and I want to be able to make him smile and see his smile. As long as I can do those things, I don't care what happens to me.

I thought about all of that today, when I brought papa some of my pictures and he smiled at me. I thought I was going to cry, I was so happy. When papa smiles, it feels like every bad thing in the world goes away. So no matter what, even if it's selfish, I have to everything I can. To stay with papa, to make papa smile.

Even if I have to give up everything unrelated to that of myself, I'll do it.

Third Entry

[hopeslens]

My DVDs broke today, the ones I generally keep out of the way of papa since he doesn't like ugly things like that. I was really sad at first, but it made me think too. Does losing things count? If the things I like break or fail or get lost or stolen, will that count too?

I hope so. Just to be safe, I think I'm going to try to start putting them in situations where bad luck can happen and hope.

Fourth Entry (14 years old)

[hopeslens]

I saw the doctor today. I've been feeling weird and not myself, so papa told me I should. The results weren't what I expected.

The doctor says I have some form of frontotemporal dementia. I don't remember what he said exactly, but he told me that it was genetic. Papa had it, so I got it. He said it was incredibly unlucky of me to get it, and they'll do what they can.

I don't know what to feel. A part of me is scared. Frontotemporal dementia messes with your personality and it can change who you are, right? I don't want to become someone else. A part of me is angry that I have it. Not at papa, but just at the world. "Why did this happen to me?" Those sorts of thoughts.

But I'm happy. Even if I'm scared and angry, even if I'm worried about losing myself, I'm happy. Because this is incredibly bad luck. That means that papa's bad swing has hit me, right? And if it has, that means his good swing will hit him and keep him alive, right?

I don't know what will happen to me. But if papa stays alive, if he stays with me, then it's okay, whatever it is. The only thing I ask is that I'll stay myself with papa's smile, that I can keep making him happy before I disappear completely.

Fifth Entry (16 years old, after HPA acceptance)

[hopeslens]

Takagi-kun examined me today. He was worried about my illness, but he promised me that he'd do everything he could. I told him that was okay, as long as he didn't cure me. He didn't understand. I didn't expect him to. No one could really understand. But it's okay if they don't understand.

We didn't talk much after that. Takagi-kun asked me to come back later. I said I would.

Sixth Entry

[hopeslens]

I've been taking the medicine that Takagi-kun made. I don't feel as out of it or disconnected anymore. It's made taking pictures for papa or finding things he likes much easier, so I'm happy about that. Takagi-kun asked me again if I was sure I didn't want to be cured. I told him I didn't. He still doesn't get it, and he looks worried, but he promised that he'd just help treat it and manage it, then.

That's okay, isn't it? As long as I keep this disease in me, that bad luck stays in me too, right? And if the bad luck is staying with me, the good luck must be staying with papa.

I haven't told him anything about what Takagi-kun said. Takagi-kun won't tell him either. I feel like papa will just be angry with me if he finds out. I'm sorry, papa. I know this is horrible and selfish. I know even you won't live forever. But I just want too be with you as long as I can. Even if I make friends, even if I someday find someone I love, I still want you there.

But I'm scared to say things like that. Writing is okay, but if I say it out loud, it might ruin everything.

Seventh(+) Entry

[hopeslens]

Papa. I'm scared.

[These words are repeated across multiple entries, with each entry showing signs of words being crossed out or erased, as if Haruki tried to write down what was happening repeatedly and started the same way, but either changed his mind or couldn't articulate it. Every time, the kanji for the sentence is shaky, as if being written with a trembling hand.

The ledger of bad luck abruptly stops after this entry.]

"Eighth" Entry

[hopeslens]

[The kanji on this entry is slightly off, as if Haruki was controlling tremors when he wrote it.]

Two weeks ago, our class was trapped by a robot bear. He called himself Monokuma. He said that we would be trapped forever unless we killed each other. He said that only the person who killed someone and got away with it would be able to go back home.

I want to do it so badly. I love my classmates. They're my friends. But I want to see you, papa. I don't want to be separate from you. Even though this is bad luck, I can't be happy about this! What if we're stuck in here too long? What if you die?

But I don't want to hurt my friends! If I was going to get out, they would all have to die! I don't want to do that! But I don't want to be trapped here! I don't want to not be there if you go! But I don't want to be the cause of all my friends' deaths, either!

I don't know what to do, Papa. [The sentence is repeated around eight times, the kanji getting shakier and shakier until the seventh and eighth repetition are unreadable.]

Final Entry

[hopeslens]

Momota-kun asked me to meet him tonight. I'm going to go. Maybe he knows how I can get out.