Haruki's Diary

[hopeslens]

These are the entries written in a diary Haruki kept around for a good part of his lifetime. Scattered between the actual entries are notes that Haruki kept on bad things happening to him, almost in the form of a ledger, as if hoping to figure out how much good luck he "earned" for Komaeda.

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Fourth Entry (14 years old)

[hopeslens]

I saw the doctor today. I've been feeling weird and not myself, so papa told me I should. The results weren't what I expected.

The doctor says I have some form of frontotemporal dementia. I don't remember what he said exactly, but he told me that it was genetic. Papa had it, so I got it. He said it was incredibly unlucky of me to get it, and they'll do what they can.

I don't know what to feel. A part of me is scared. Frontotemporal dementia messes with your personality and it can change who you are, right? I don't want to become someone else. A part of me is angry that I have it. Not at papa, but just at the world. "Why did this happen to me?" Those sorts of thoughts.

But I'm happy. Even if I'm scared and angry, even if I'm worried about losing myself, I'm happy. Because this is incredibly bad luck. That means that papa's bad swing has hit me, right? And if it has, that means his good swing will hit him and keep him alive, right?

I don't know what will happen to me. But if papa stays alive, if he stays with me, then it's okay, whatever it is. The only thing I ask is that I'll stay myself with papa's smile, that I can keep making him happy before I disappear completely.